Tomorrow is one of those confusing consumer holidays. Is it good clean fun or a dirty big business trick? My heartfelt gift to you: a visual sampler of the naughty and the nice of it all. Hope it puts you in the mood…to discuss your sentiments on V-Day.
Here we go, row by row.
1: You’re so sweet
Sweetness sugar stix: Regular ol’ sugar gets dressed up in lovely individual-sized packages with sayings like “Coffee, tea or me.”
Sweeten’D Blow: Raspberry flavored tastelessness. Utterly low brow spoof of Sweet N’Low.
2: Nuts for you
Lady Nutcracker: Sexy product design by Laurent Lucas. Suitable for cracking walnuts and quite possibly exes’ nuts.
Condom Walnut: Crack it open to reveal a prophylactic. Classic gag gift packaging claims “Keeps your nuts safe.” Seems better suited to squirrels than humans.
3: Minty fresh kisses
Oral Fixation 6 Pack: Self-dubbed “designer mint.” These folks know that being subtly sexual in name is hotter than being overtly sexual in packaging. Available in sleek solo tins or as a boxed set. Flavors include 7 Deadly Cinnamon and Mojito Mint.
Pert Peppermint Nipples: Almost there retro styled packing. Wish the illustration were more Vargas than Playboy.
4: Good on paper
Classic Space Valentines by Accoutrements: Year after year these remain my favorite. They have the appeal of CSA stock, but only cost 5 bucks. Quaint reminder of a time when Ricky and Lucy slept in separate beds.
Groovy Q wrapping paper: Artfully done naughty. Spanking new, clever take on toile.
Gag gifts have always annoyed me. A gag gift involving oral sex seems especially…shallow; add rasberry flavor, and I’m utterly perplexed. In this age of irrelevant stuff, the best gifts, I’ve decided, are those that disappear as you use them. Satisfying this criterion are the sugar packs, mints, and wrapping paper. Very nice stuff indeed. (I guess the rasberry goo would disappear, too: into the trash can.)